As I turn 40 and reflect on my life I’m feeling more comfortable in sharing my whole story in the hope that it may help someone else in a similar experience.
I am a 39 year old Single Mother of 2 and 10 year Domestic Violence Survivor….Here is my story…
My jump into adulthood started in high school as a teen mom. I had my beautiful daughter in 1989. I love being a Mom and even then was strongly determined on being self-sufficient. I had always been mature for my age, and very driven. While this changed my original post graduation plans l was dedicated to graduating high school on time, and was able to still graduate with my class in 1992.
Not being able to go to school after graduating high school I immediately got a job which allowed me the ability to provide and self-support me and my daughter.
It is around this time that I met my abusive partner, and for the next 10 years he managed to take everyone and everything that was important to me out of my life, including my daughter. For her safety and well-being, I feared having her in the environment I was a prisoner of. I lost so much time and memories that I will never get back.
Peoples always ask, “Why don’t people being abused just leave?” Well, for me this wasn’t an option. I tried on multiple occasions to end the relationship and it resulted in death threats, stalking, and some of the worse beatings I endured. I was “his property” and he would let me go when he was done with me, not the other way around.
On the Day I was able to escape from my abuser with our son, he had beaten me over a 10 hour period and had deterred all options (he thought) of me being able to leave. He had plans of killing me and burying me in the backyard then taking our son to Mexico so my family would never see him again. Luckily I had prepared for an emergency and hidden a spare key to the car. I cut the screen out of the bedroom window, grabbed our toddler son and escaped to the hospital.
In order for us to ACTUALLY LEAVE, we had to go into hiding, relocate, and I had to change jobs. The Lord has blessed and provided for us but it has been an upward struggle. We are in the state’s Safe Address Program, but we live in constant fear that somehow he might find us.
In 2004 after having extreme difficulty in focusing in school my son was diagnosed with ADHD. In 2008 they felt their was additional learning disabilities at play. After extensive testing my son was officially diagnosed on the autistic spectrum as having Asperger’s Autism. In addition to the daily “quality of life” frustrations and stigma he experiences with these he continues to suffer from Severe Anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Severe Insomnia.
Trying to be a strong Mother (and Father), a positive role model to my children and an example to them that even when your feeling defeated and down you can overcome even the worst situation. This can sometimes be exhausting and I wonder if I can “keep the momentum going”, but somehow God blesses me with that little nudge of reassurance that I’m on the right path.
We’ve survived a lot together. We’ve survived his father, we’ve survived our house going into foreclosure twice (and being able to pull out of it). Somehow by God’s grace I’ve been able to keep the lights, water and phone on (even if it was paid the day they were going to shut it off).
I’m someone who believes everything happens for a reason. Even the terrible things in our lives. I personally look back at what I’ve gone through and wouldn’t change what I experienced. As terrible as those 10 years were, I got an amazing, special, loving, and caring son that I can’t imagine life without…and that’s exactly how I describe it to him when he asks me if I wish I never met his father.
We all have a choice to make when bad things happen to us. We can let it break us and bring us down. We can turn to drugs or alcohol to drown out the pain. Or we can use the experience to make us stronger and motivate us to prove our oppressors wrong. I personally choose the latter. Sure, I’m not saying I don’t have a good cry here and there, or times when I just don’t know if I can do it….I am human after all. But I push on for my children. They are my motivators.
My advice to someone in the early stages of an abusive relationship is to try to end the relationship safely. If your concerned for your safety contact your local Victim’s of Abuse Advocacy group. The can provide you with a safe place to stay, emergency clothing, an escape plan an a cell phone to call 911 off needed. They will also assign you an advocate who will help you through the legal process and be with you at the hearings. The Victims of Crimes Program can also help with relocation costs, medical bills, and ongoing therapy bills. So, you’re not alone.
I won’t lie to you, it will be hard, and it will be a struggle, but the rewarding life ahead of you for you and your family is immeasurable. The self-esteem of knowing that everything you accomplished, YOU did, despite someone telling you that you’d never amount to anything.
I was able to move into a house and have just graduated LVN nursing school in 2014. If I can do that I know that any one is capable of doing the same!
Don’t lose 10 years of your life….I’ll never get that time back with my daughter or the friends I will never see again. You deserve better! And you are SO much stronger than you realize. If you concerned though please call Abuse Victims Advocates or message me privately and I’d be happy to help….
