Originally published on Poetry Festival on September 25, 2018 By Niki Bell
There is no equal to or greater than
A Mother’s Love
Safety and Protection
Let us understand what it is first, not last
A lioness
There is no greater gift
Or symbolic universal feeling of connection
The harmonic bond of such love
Is a Mother’s Love
The Beatles song playing in the background at the coffee shop
The little girl looking up with wonder at her
The older version of herself
A Mother’s Prayer that she will be greater than herself
It is not the birthing and carrying of the child
Where such motherly love may be developed
It is who she is before
That determines everything after
And in the coming events of life she gives
Unconditional love
She reigns over all
Ruling one’s world of seven serpent heads
If such love comes after one enters this world
That is sometimes not okay
Accident or mistake has no bearing on the consciousness of that child
The child only knows love
The mother sends the serpents and demons away,
Love overcomes all.
A mother’s love is the evolution of where still water lies
Purely defined from all corners of the cosmos
The child only knows the fabric of her mother’s nightgown
The beautiful motherly smells
The child, you, me do not know poverty
From her womb
Anger, fearfulness, drunken rages,
Nor Hate.
Pause
When love is not valuable
Rewind
Love, is not shared nor a continuing dialogue
When at eight years old you are blamed for sleeping with her boyfriend
Bleeding on the bed
Unable to go to the hospital because there is no insurance
For the swore tore worn soul of this child
When the love you wish would come oozing out of her
Even if it is infected like the open painful wound
Shooting white puss in all directions
At the center divide of your jammed toe
As you stumbled over the drugs
Over the bodies laying in the apartment
Fast forward
Head down in the toilet as you were tortured and beaten
Over and over again
My life not yours, Your life not mine
No pain comparison
We are women now reflecting in hindsight
Making the decisiveness absolute
To either Be Hate or Be Love
And therefore, Loved By Oneself deeper than the ocean floor
Stirring storms of magnitude greater than the rising of any hurricane,
Reaching for the stars that you cannot begin to embellish
That we cannot begin to imagine
Going above and beyond the call of duty
Only being able to give ourselves that love
That love that was never ours
Period.
Taken, stolen by madness
And the coldness of a mother’s heart
To be defiled, ridiculed, harassed, abused
To have violent acts committed against us
Because we looked like daddy’s side
Because we were more beautiful or not as pretty
Because we were so smart
Because we are fat
She always exclaimed
Because we made mistakes in relationships,
Oh, but she made none
The cold of the Antarctica swoops in
To live in devastation has nothing to do with materials,
Having a home, a roof over one’s head
Having food,
For I would have given anything to know my mother’s love
Not a mother’s right because of entitlement
A true mother’s love.
Never mirrors self-hate
I would have given my life to know what that felt like
And you, a reflection of me
Sit and you read this
You think it is okay to be treated as you are
It is not
You are not trash
You are love
You are my hero
Because you have survived
Sometimes without will
Without sight
Without hope
Without dreams
And you have come to this place
Wake up!
To finally know that something is not right
Please wake up!
All the times she took their side
As they raped you
The weary never sleeps
All the times they hurt you,
Where sleeping dogs lie
And she stood there and watched
We, the animals
Caged and imprisoned
Waiting to sing.
Even if she was not, so she says, was there
She was knowingly there.
Because who you are now
Is not that
You are not the little girl
They kidnapped or tried to kill
You are not the little girl that daddy put on his lap
You are not the teenager who gave her body to whoever knocked
You are no longer the woman who gave up on her children
I say, it is never too late to accept your part without self-blame and break away
Because you know right from wrong
What was done to you
Cannot be done to them
Nor can it be undone.
When you have love from the soul of your stomach
From your gut,
From the bleeding of the inside of your organs
Ready to shut down
When you have love
From yourself
Beyond a reasonable doubt
Because no one has ever shown up for you
A crime in and of itself
I have witnessed time and time again
But they stand there
Waiting for you to fail.
As you rise
You know that you must have love for and from yourself
Despite the magnetic radiation that attracts such hate to you
In every situation and relationship
They fail you
When you have that love coming from you and only you
You begin to awaken to a newfound reality
You begin to move, you, yourself, and I.
I and him and him and they
Yes, they suffer too.
I cannot speak for him or them.
It is my calling to speak on the mother’s and daughters who are lost
The daughters’ who had no voice
Who feel they still have no voice
To voice their truth
To stand up against the niceness that everyone else sees their mother’s as having
To stand up and be mentally strong
To stand up and cry out the power of love
To stand up and demand by men to be treated like a human being
To stand up and tell your horrible friends that if you cannot love me
It is because you cannot be me
Nor do you love yourself.
I may have emotional down syndrome
Because of my Mother’s Eyes of Hate
Ripped me into tiny pieces smaller than an atom
I barely have built myself up to a stand alone molecule
And that is okay.
I am no longer her victim
I appreciate the life that was given to me
I appreciate my mother’s eyes of hate
I appreciate hearing it said from her lips, “I hate her”
In my late twenties,
I appreciate the verbal condemnation, the lack of respect
I appreciate the raping’s of my body and soul as a child and as an adult,
Never ending.
I appreciate her beating me as he gutted me then zipped his pants as she walked in
Pretending to have seen nothing at age two.
I forgive
Age ten
I am grateful
I am more than just a survivor
At thirteen
I am more than just a child
I am more than just a female
I am more than tragedy
I am more than my stories
Age sixteen
I am more than a Cosmic Being
I am more than Hate
Age seventeen
I am Somebody
I am Me
I am Love
I am Worthy
I am Deserving
I am Love
I am my own Hero
I am a Mother who loves.
I lost my way… so busy loving them.
I rather fail, fall, and try at love than for them to know that past which does not describe me
Or have a bearing on NOW.
I will not ever understand a mother’s hate
Regardless of mental illness or any excuse
There is no reason and no room in this universe
For Mother’s who hate their daughters
There is no crime committed
Only soulful injustice
But, it haunts us, you and I
In the thick of the night
We cannot shake the feeling
It will haunt us for the rest of our lives
If we are still in it,
We feel there is no escape.
There is…
It is called love, not hate
Love is your faith
It will set you free
It comes from you and to you
Do not believe in that which serves you no purpose
Allow yourself to release your inner turmoil
Free you yourself
Because your imprisonment
Will be the death of you
I need to love me
I need you to love you
Because she could not
Your spirit is old and tired
Your heart a closed soldier
You not loving you is the biggest and most heinous crime you could ever commit.
Please stop!
Love, love, love, love, love,
You.
I love you.
Said to myself, and for myself, by me…
I am a woman who has…
A woman who has overcome her mother’s hate
A mother who only loves her children
A female who has mastered the heart of loving life
A goddess who arises with the sun and dances within the moon
A human being who is conquering everything in this lifetime
without support, love from others,
And moving mountains all on her own
They say you cannot do it alone
I fear for those who cannot
Shunning independent thought
With earth shattering crystal clearness of believing in the love within me
I am a single matter co-existing amongst all that matters
I AM LOVE!
I AM LOVE!
A Mother’s hatred is true
Shame on you for propagating that it is not
In order to make yourself feel better
Oh, it is so true
We grow to fear nothing
Or become so weak we cannot stand.
Even being here is not enough
Speak your truth into reality
But, speak of love
Speak with love
Speak with forgiveness
Speak with peace
Speak with inner fortitude
Speak with your mindfulness
Speak of a better place
A better world
Where all mother’s love their daughters
Speak with a gentleness that you never imagined you possessed
And then listen…
Shh!
Listen to your love!
It is so breathtaking and amazing!
When you journey into the unknown
You will come back, but not to that
Therefore, your only remaining option is to love
And learn to love her, my mother,
Your mother,
For they could not love themselves.
For you gave me life mother
But, you will not taketh away.
I see your misery
And I love you more
Even though you could not love me.
Mine, Your, A Mother’s Hate cannot stop you or me from loving.
I AM SO HAPPY, I AM ALIVE!!
Because I believe in Love.
I believe in me.
Thank you for all of this
For every victory and every challenge.
Mine, Your, A Mother’s Hate cannot stop me or you from living,
Cannot stop you from Achieving.
Be gentle with yourself and come from a place of love
Always.
I began my life in a hate filled world where only pain existed
I end this moment with my life in a nirvana love filled world
That I created
With smiles of joy, laughter, and love,
Where only love exists.
I AM ALIVE!
I AM LOVE!
Copyright © 2018 Niki Bell
